But then Saturday morning I woke up feeling sort of sick. I just ached some in my hips and back. I assumed it was something I was going to have to live with for the next several months and went on with my day. I went shopping for some last minute stocking stuffers and went out to lunch with my family. By early afternoon I was feeling run down so I decided to nap with Kearnan while Tim went to a movie with my dad. By the time Kearnan and I got up from our nap I knew I was sick. I took my temperature and it was 101. I figured I was comeing down with the flu, and cursed my luck to catch it right before Christmas. So I popped a movie in for Kearnan and layed back to wait for Tim to get home. When he got home I took my temp again and was up to 102. Tim was worried that the temp might affect the baby and convinced me to take some tylenol. Afterwards I felt better and had some dinner. My temp came back down to about 99 and I figured I would just try to ride out this bug. I occured to me at about 9:30 that evening as my temp was headed back up that I couldn't remember feeling the baby move all day. I couldn't actually remember her moving since the night before when she was kicking me while I worked on wrapping Christmas gifts. I mentioned it to Tim and he brought me a snack and some more Tylenol. However even eating didn't get her moving. This time the Tylenol didn't help my fever or the aching as much and I resolved to sleep on the couch so as not to disturb Kearnan and Tim. My mother finally convinced me to call in to the Dr.s office and just ask about the temp and the lack of movement. The office assured me that a midwife had been paged and she would be returning my call shortly. I lay down to sleep on the couch, and went in and out of fever dreams all night. By morning things were much worse. The tylenol was no longer doing anything for my fever or pain, and I was desperately worried that I hadn't felt my baby moving. My mother found me at 5:30 in the morning unable to sleep and in alot of pain. We called the office again, and finally some one returned my call. The midwife on call said I should head to labor and delivery at the hospital, she would call ahead and they would check me out.

I got to the hospital at about 6:30. I was still fevered, but I was also still convinced that I just had the flu. I was sure it was my temperature or some other such thing that had the baby lethargic. In an antepartum room they hooked me up to a monitor and found a heartbeat. It was about 132 bpm and the nurses were sure it was the baby. They took some blood and tried to decide what was wrong with me. No longer concerned about the baby I relaxed and waited to see what they would discover. They came back saying I was dehydrated and needed I.V. fluids. I had an infection, but they still didn't know what kind. The midwife was supposed to be on her way to check me out. The heartrate on the monitor had slowed. Was it possible that they had been tracking my heartrate all this time instead of the baby's? They came in with a doppler to try to find out. They couldn't find a conclusive heartbeat with the doppler so they paged the midwife again. She still hadn't left home. She ordered an ultrasound to check the baby. The nurse assures me that everything is fine and I will get another chance to see my baby. This way they can know for sure that she is alright and they can concentrate on treating me. My midwife will be in for the ultrasound they assure me. 45 minutes later the ultrasound tech arives with an impressive machine. He is sorry it took so long, but he was helping with an emergency C section. My midwife still isn't here so the labor and delivery nurse stays in the room. I can see the baby on the ultrasound screen, but she isn't moving. Something seems wrong to me, but no one will say anything. The tech finishes and pats my leg. He seems somber compared to how he was when he came in. The nurse assures me once again that my midwife will be in soon. If not a Dr from my practice is on duty and they will have her come in. There is still nothing for me to worry about but they are still concerned with why I am sick. An hour passes and I call Tim. I tell him I still don't know anything. The nurses assure me that the midwife will be in anytime the Dr had to go to an emergency C section. Do I need him to come in? No I am sure everything is fine, I have mom with me and I will call him when I know more. Go ahead and let Kearnan sleep a little longer I say. A lab tech comes into my room. She doesn't speak much english, but my midwife ordered bloodwork over the phone. She wants to do prelabor blood work. I'm not in labor I tell her and I won't have any more blood work done until some one tells me what is going on. She runs out of the room upset because I won't let her draw blood. A nurse comes in and assures me that the midwife will be in any time now. The tech was confused she tells me they just need to do more indepth bloodwork to see why I am sick. I tell her I won't have anymore blood work done until some one tells me what is really going on. She says she will page the midwife again. 30 more minutes pass and still nothing. My mother is getting antsy and so she goes to the nurses station to find out what is going on. The nurses page the midwife yet again and tell my mother they don't know why she hasn't come in yet she doesn't live more than 5 minutes from the hospital. 20 minutes later the Dr from my practice comes in followed by the nurse who has been caring for me. I haven't met her before but she introduces herself and is very kind. She is sorry no one has been in to talk with me. She just came out of surgery or she would have been in before. She has bad news. She sits next to me on the bed. The ultrasound showed that my baby is dead. I have a uterine infection and I need to be treated imediately. Can I understand what she is telling me? The uterine infection killed my baby. It isn't my fault there isn't anything anyone could have done. We need to induce labor imediately. I have to deliver my daughter and start I.V. antibiotics. I am in danger if the infection continues. Would I like to see the ultrasound for myself? So she shows me my daughter on the ultrasound. She shows me her head and her face, and then her chest where her heart should be beating, but it isn't. I cry and my mother calls Tim for me. I am moved to a labour and delivery suite.

Tim arives as they start the pitocin and the atibiotics. We cry together. The Dr comes back to explain to Tim what has happened. We don't know how long it will be till I deliver, but I have all of the pain relievers available to me if I want them. Some women prefer to sleep through this and I can if I want. The nurse gives me demerol for the intense pain I am experiencing. The infection is causing this labor to be worse than the whole 27 hours I was in labor with my son. I ask for the epidural. While the epidural is administered my mother leaves to take Kearnan to stay with my in-laws. She will be back as soon as possible. The epidural makes me shake, and I feel like I need to push. Tim calls the nurses and my mother. The nurse says it is just my bag of waters and it will pass on its own. She will be right back with the midwife, who has finally made it to the hospital. Before she even gets out of the room I have to call her back. I have just delivered the bag of waters and the baby's foot is out. She yells down the hall for the other nurse and the Dr. The Dr makes it in time to help me deliver my daughter and cut the cord. My labor only took three hours. She asks if I want to hold my baby. All I can get out is yes. They lay her up on my chest. She is so tiny and in that moment I imagine that she is still alive. She is so warm from being inside me and her little body is moving because I am shaking so hard from the epidural. Tim takes her because I am afraid I will crush her. The nurse turns off the epidural and I deliver the placenta. The nurse helps me sit up in bed and the Dr. leaves with her apoligies. She will be in to check on me again soon. My mother arives and the nurse leaves. I finally stop shaking enough to acctually hold my baby. She is so beautiful. She looks just like her big brother. She has his nose and lips. Her eyes are closed tight and I cry as I realize that she will never open them. My mother holds her and says how beautiful she is. We call her by her name Arawyn Lorraine. I want my son to be there to see her, but then I decide maybe it isn't for the best. The nurse weighs and measures her. We take plenty of pictures. She is 1 lb 3 ozs and 11 inches. The nurse puts a little pink cap on her and wraps her back up in a blanket. She tells us we need to make our goodbyes soon. We keep our daughter in the room with us for three hours. I delivered at 3:03 pm and I finally kiss her goodbye and hand her to the nurse at 6:30. The nurse tells us that they take special bereavment pictures. She finds her a tiny pink dress for the pictures and tells me the hospital will call me when they are in, they are free to the family. She brings in a special box full of momentos for us. In it are the hospital bracelets that they made up, and the tiny pink dress and knit cap. Also a little card with her tiny foot prints. We need to make plans for a funeral if thats what we want. We call a funeral home that says it offers free services for parents who have lost babies under one year of age. The kind gentleman who runs the home comes out to meet us at the hospital even though it is the middle of the night. He fills out the death certificate for us, and we make the plans. I want to have a funeral and veiwing before we have her cremated. He makes arangments and everything except for the cremation is free. He tells me to let him know when I will be out of the hospital and we will have the funeral then.

I spend three days in the hospital running a high fever. The infection is worse than we thought. I spend eight hours under a cooling blanket with ice packed around me. Tim stays at the hospital with me and my mother brings Kearnan by to visit several times every day. I finally get released Dec 23rd at 6:00 pm. I have been there since early morning on the 21st. I have enough time to run to a specialty childrens shop to pick out a dress for her funeral. I pick out a beautiful white doll dress. It is very old fashioned and has pink roses on it. The next morning is Christmas eve, and her funeral. We only invited imediate family, I am not up for anything more. The reverend from my church does a beautiful service in her honor, He even holds Kearnan through part of it. I introduce Kearnan to his baby sister, and tell him how much she loves him. He doesn't seem to understand, but hugs me and gives me a kiss. Tim and I say a final goodbye to our daughter who we never really got to know. We choose a wooden urn in the shape of an old fashioned building block for her. The funeral director hugs us both and assures us he will call as soon as the ashes are in. We say goodbye and head for home. Without our baby.

I have felt a little better since the funeral. I feel like I did right by her memory in holding it. I just don't understand why this happened. The Dr. says it is Coriamniitis or something like that. My midwife, who unfortunately wasn't on call when I went to the hospital has assured me that I didn't cause it. She says I will be able to have another baby, and I can start trying in three months if I would like. I don't know if I will be ready in three months, but I would like to try again sometime. But I no longer feel the same as before. I never realized that in a normal low risk pregnancy something like this could happen. I always thought that I could stop worrying around 12 weeks, and surely long before 22 weeks. But somehow I lost my baby girl at 22 weeks. And now I am confused. I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn't. I feel afraid that if I get pregnant this could happen again. I feel lonely and most of all I feel empty. My body no longer looks full and pregnant, and my milk came in but I had no baby to nurse. Why did I lose my baby girl? Sometimes I imagine that this didn't happen, that I was never pregnant, but I know that isn't true. I don't want to dishonor her memory in that way. I think about how tiny and perfect she was, and about how much I miss her. I just want to hold her. Tim is greiving too, and I think this has brought us closer as a family. Just seeing how much he loved her has made me love him more. Kearnan is keeping me busy and I feel blessed to have him. I just don't know how to get past this. Everyone asks how I am, and I don't know what to say. They don't want to hear about how empty I feel without her. Sometimes I feel like just walking up to everyone on the street and showing them pictures of my baby girl. I want other people to acknowledge that she existed. I don't want Tim and I to be the only ones who remember her.

It has been a month now since my baby girl passed and I wrote this. I am now in the process of building a website in her memory. I just wanted to share her breif and beautiful life with as many people as I could. I also wanted to let other people who are going through a similar experience know that life can go on. At first that simple fact made me so angry. All around me people were having a wonderful Christmas and I was at home mourning my daughter. But now I am starting to move on as well. I will never forget my beautiful little girl, and I still cry from time to time, but I am finding a new normal. I am also finding therapeutic ways to honor her, like with this website. And I know things will get easier as time passes.